Remorse and Penitence

Remorse, regret and penitence, for all practical purposes are the same and imply that there has been brought about a deep sense of sorrow about events of the past. Regret is the distress of our minds or sorrow for what has been done. Remorse implies pangs of conscience or a sense of guilt and repentance for sins committed or some other wrongful act on your part. Penitence implies godly sorrow for sin. II Samuel 12:13; speaking of David's sin of adultery and murder, he, with godly sorrow confessed his sin before the prophet of God , "And David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the Lord. And Nathan said unto David, The Lord Hath put away thy sin, thou shat not die."

None of the words in the heading of this page are found in the Bible, however God's word has much to say about personal attitudes that each represent. The word sorrow is use 23 times. In Nehemiah 2:3 we find that Nehemiah was sorrowful of heart over the wasted ruins of the city of Jerusalem. Nehemiah had a Godly sorrow over the devastation of the home of his ancestors and because of his sorrow, he petitioned King Artaxerxes for permission to go and rebuild the walls. In Esther, the Jews rested from their enemies and their sorrow was turned into joy. This sorrow was over the edict that had been issued, for the annihilation of all the Jews. In the New Testament, II Corinthians 7:9, 10; Paul tells the Corinthians, "Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed unto repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea what clearing of yourselves, yea what indignation, yea what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter." The Berkeley Translation states verse 10 as "For the sorrow that God approves works out repentance that leads to salvation such as is never regretted, while the world's sorrow produces death."

In the above passage of scripture you can see that sorrow in and of itself is not enough. That type of sorrow is of the world. It is the type that speaks out, "I'm sorry I got caught." However, Godly sorrow leads to the point in your life where you would give or do anything to bring about the righting of the wrongs, which you have done. As a sexual offender you have much to regret and bring before the Lord.

As a penitent sexual offender you must come before God and seek His forgiveness for these vile deeds. You can then seek His guidance in how to bring your sorrow to those you have offended, over those sinful acts. As stated elsewhere in this web page, once you have come to the Lord and asked Him into your life, you will want to do anything humanly possible to insure that those you have brought trauma to, are never again subjected to the heinous acts which they received from your hand while molesting them. They deserve to be able to find closure to the terrible things that are still going through their minds. You need to help them find that needed respite from all the hurtful dreams and feelings.

A word of apology is one way to start the process, but you must not reason that this is a cure-all, for you have left scars that may never be erased. You must show by your actions that there has indeed been a dramatic change in our life. If you cannot do this you will never be able to convince them of your sincerity. One way is to help others who have been molested to find closure in their particular situation.

Example: A lady who was sitting in on one of our group sessions, was sharing with us how she had been viciously molested by her father and how her children had also been subjected to the same treatment just prior to his arrest. I was able to share with her some of my own devastating experiences with my family. At the end of the session I asked her if she would mind if I made an apology for her father, because I had felt the anguish of her problem. To my surprise, she came up to me and gave me a hug, saying that my act of remorse meant more to her than anything, because her father had not even admitted to the acts he had perpetrated against her and her children.

Another way is to help those, who like yourself have been caught up in the vicious web of sexual addiction. It is never easy to admit to yourself that you were responsible for devastation that may never be repaired. By bringing another human being from the point of denial to that place in his life where he too is able to admit that he needs help. You are helping set right some of the traumas that you have imposed on others.

If your remorse and regrets are honest, you will do everything within your power to straighten out the mess that you have perpetrated. You must always remember though, you should never do anything unless you feel the Holy Spirit is giving direction. Otherwise it may cause even more problems.

Make apologies orally and in person. If this is not possible, a phone call is the best alternative. Speaking from personal experience, a letter is the last thing that should be attempted. Many a well meaning letters have been written by people wanting right the wrongs they had done, only to realize that the letter was not received in the same context in which it was written. As a result the problem may be increased rather than being solved or softened. Seek the heart of God in this matter and follow His guidance.